Down

Sucks but I feel really down. Maybe getting sick? Not sure. I do have lots of reasons to feel down. Afraid. Lonely. Apprehensive. Unsure. Maybe it's allergies. Maybe I need to drink more. Maybe I need knee surgery. Maybe I should give up coffee. (OMG!!!!) maybe I should drink more alcohol. Maybe I should give up on this house and garden. Maybe I should give up on everything. Maybe I should give up on me. Why not? Everyone else always has, no matter how hard I kept trying.

Maybe the reason I've had sleeping for the last two nights is some illness coming on. I always get moody when getting sick. Add to it that today was a rather rotten day. Guess I'll test the theory and load up on various medications and vitamins tomorrow.

One reason it sucks to feel down so much is that the garden is really starting to look good. Least, for this area and this time of year. Of course, I'm not sure it will ever look quite as good as I hope for but it's getting there.

I've made the absolute decision to seek out a different job. This one just isn't for me. The views held are too limited, while mine is more holistic. The teamwork I hoped for was only in my imagination. There's no organization. Little respect based on anything but rank. And it would limit my time with my daughter during the summer too much. One of the reasons I took the position (and I stated such) was to learn. I have learned nothing. It's difficult for me to be at a new job and not learn anything new. Not my nature. But it has happened here. It's not organized at all and they do not want it to be. The people there feel more specialized and territorial if they keep their own little world as little as possible. Not my world or nursing view. Not even my military view, personally. Simply put, I don't fit.

Story of my life. Guess I'll keep searching.