Can't do it

Had a conflict with the ex tonight. She still doesn't want my daughter to sleep here at night. This is because I am using a generator for electricity and gas space heater for heat. She says it's not safe.

Now, where the heater is concerned, I have a carbon monoxide detector less than 4 ft from the heater. I have multiple forms of exhaust from the roof of the house and the detector has not gone off a single time. The heater also has a built in detector which shuts the heater down if CO is detected. It also has a tip over switch and built in thermostat.

As to the electricity, the situation is all financial. I would prefer having electricity, of course! But if I pay an electrical contractor to "pull the permit", there's no guarantee the state inspector will pass the inspection. The system here is set up to have to pay contractors as much as possible. If the inspection doesn't pass, I'm just out hundreds of dollars. Even if it does pass, I have to hook up and check the wiring one circuit at a time. If any wires became polarized, they'll heat up and be a fire hazard, so have to be replaced. For all I know, I may have to rewire the whole house.

In the end, I told her I would just give the house up and move into a cheap apartment. But I can't do that. I'm 48 years old. Giving up the house would damge my credit where it would be many years before I could be approved for another house. I have a 30 year mortgage. Once you're over 50 years old, it becomes a lot more difficult to get a mortgage on affordable terms and with more than 15 year terms.

And this is my home. I have no other home. I cannot come home every day to my daughter being here. I have no significant other waiting for me. I am a person who HAS to have things to concentrate on, to put energy, hopes, dreams and extreme thoughts into. The house and garden give me these. I have a home I look forward to coming to, even if it's not ideal by a materialistic, superficial standard. It takes time for me to feel at ease anywhere. It took a long time for me to FEEL at home here but I do now.

This is my home. This is the home my daughter will inherit from me someday. This is my refuge from the rest of a city and state which I cannot stand. A place where I can maintain a sense of honor in a place which seems to have none. A place I have worked hard and continue to work hard to transform, with results slow but showing. I cannot give it up.